The Mother Load

You Know You're a Mother When...

-You spend more time convincing your two year old that you NEED to take a shower than you do actually showering.

-Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

-You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

-Your kid throws up and you catch it.

-Your kid has a diaper explosion on the carpet.  You clean it up, give your kid a bath, and then continue eating your lunch as if nothing happened.

-You've forgotten what a hot meal tastes like.

-You've forgotten what food tastes like.

-You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

-You spend 20 minutes surgically removing the mushy spots off a strawberry because otherwise they are not going to be eaten, and you will have wasted $8 bucks for buying strawberries out of season.

-Sometimes, ketchup is really just going to have to count as a vegetable.

-In the rare times you wake up before the alarm goes off, you are scared to move, for fear that you unleash the Juice Brigade (the never ending requests for juice).  5 minutes of non-parenting duty totally trumps peeing in the morning.

-You consider buying stock in Tide when your house is quarantined with a stomach virus.

-You used to dream of buying a pair of Manolos.  Now, you dream of having a new washer and dryer.

-You used to think of Gucci as a status symbol.  Now, it's a Dyson.

-Your perspective on public nudity has completely changed.

-The fact that your "purse" goes over the weight limit on some airplanes, and now contains Matchbox cars, a Mardi Gras necklace, a sock, some goldfish, and a pair of vampire teeth doesn't even phase you.

-You're doing pretty well if you manage to get your hair cut more than twice a year.

-You can clean just about anything with a baby wipe.

-You felt like a dog going to the vet  to get neutered the day you bought your minivan, but now you know you couldn't live without it, and have considered moving into it permanently.

-Your ability to know the lyrics of popular songs has been replaced by the never ending song in your head of your child's favorite TV show du jour.  You also have at least one children's show theme song as a ringtone on your phone.

-The last movie you saw in the theater was animated.

-You now understand why there are locks on bathroom doors.

-Tired is just a given.

-You have to remind your family to do things at least six times before they actually do it.  Then you get to be accused of being a nag, and the general public wonders why you repeat yourself so often.

-You spend part of the day wishing for a break, and then, when you finally get it, you spend your time either missing your kids, or doing something for them (ie.  Shopping for clothes, working on their baby book, buying something for them.).

-You realize that it is a Life Sentence, but you wouldn't have it any other way.